A cooking site for people who can't cook — yet.

About This Establishment

A cooking site for people who can't cook. Yet, sugar.

Toast for Tarts is a cooking school for people who cannot cook. Not "I can't quite temper chocolate" cannot cook — properly cannot cook. Burnt-pasta-water cannot cook. Reads "season to taste" and breaks into a light sweat cannot cook.

If that's you: welcome, dear. You are our exact demographic, and nothing that has happened in your kitchen shocks us. This site has three promises:

  • No shame. Everyone starts hopeless. Hopeless is the entry requirement.
  • No assumptions. We tell you what "simmer" means, what pan to use, and what done looks like — every single time.
  • No essays. The recipe is at the top. Doris's opinions are brief, correct, and clearly labeled.

Who Is Doris Crumpet?

Doris Crumpet presenting a bowl of spaghetti with the confidence of a woman who has never once burnt it

The lady herself

"Doris Crumpet: hostess, educator, holder of strong opinions on margarine (against). I ran a spotless kitchen through decades when the smoke alarm hadn't been invented, darling — we simply paid attention. Now I teach tarts like you to do the same, with less girdle and more sympathy. My methods are old-fashioned, my humor is not, and my scrambled eggs would make you weep into your apron. You'll be fine. I've seen far worse than you."

Where to Start

  1. Rate your hopelessness with the Can You Cook? quiz — it's diagnostic, not judgmental. Mostly.
  2. Enrol in Tart School — eight short lessons, in order, no skipping.
  3. Cook something from the one-tart recipes. Proper toast counts. Proper toast especially counts.

Doris Says

"The name, in case you wondered: a tart is a pastry, and also what my generation called someone with more confidence than sense. You, buttercup, are going to be both — flaky, a little sweet, and absolutely capable of handling a hot oven."