A cooking site for people who can't cook — yet.

Doris Crumpet, a surprised 1950s pin-up on the telephone, holding up a slice of toast FREE
ADVICE!

Well hello, sunshine…

Can't Cook? Sit Down, We Need to Talk.

"cheap, fast & easy" — that's the cooking, dear

Toast for Tarts teaches genuinely hopeless people to feed themselves — one buttered slice at a time. No shame, no soufflés, no 2,000-word stories about someone's summer in Tuscany.

How Hopeless Am I? Start Tart School
choose your struggle

What's On the Menu

  • Tart School

    The curriculum. Eight lessons from "boiling water" upward. Start here if you once burnt cereal.

    Enrol, sugar

  • Foolproof Recipes

    Sixteen dishes rated on the Tart Scale, each with a "when it all goes wrong" section. Because it will.

    Feed yourself

  • Reference Guides

    Kit, pantry, glossary, substitutions. The boring bits, made unboring.

    Look clever

  • Kitchen Gadgets

    A hopelessness quiz, a panic button, and a "what can I make with THIS?" fridge machine.

    Push buttons
training wheels on

Start With These, Darling

See all 16 recipes

Doris Crumpet presenting a bowl of spaghetti

Doris Crumpet, your hostess

"Some websites will tell you cooking is easy. They are lying to you, treasure — cooking is easy once somebody explains it properly, which nobody has, because they were all too busy photographing their brunch. That's where I come in. I've seen worse tarts than you walk out of my kitchen making a respectable carbonara. Well. A respectable cheese toastie. We start where we start."

is something burning as we speak?

Kitchen Emergency?

Burnt it? Bland? Suspiciously raw in the middle? Don't cry into the pan — it's already salty enough.

PRESS THE PANIC BUTTON